Texas Chili Contest

[thegoldpt]

Texas Chili Contest

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read
this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction
of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in
Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off
about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced
Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI.

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
****-faced from all the beer.


CHILI # 4- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-Lb woman
is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5- LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


CHILI # 6- VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.