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The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

 
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  #101 (permalink)  
Old 28 Mar 2016, 04:28 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

Quote:
Originally Posted by quicksilverdon View Post
And my doctor told me I have an enlarged prostate.
I said, "I know, but I try not to brag".
on that note... click this link to my facebook page and click the blue circle next to "pronounces name"
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  #102 (permalink)  
Old 28 Mar 2016, 07:26 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

rockandroller likes this.
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  #103 (permalink)  
Old 31 Mar 2016, 12:20 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

This is by far the most accurate political flow chart that's ever been published! It represents my sentiments exactly.

Happy Ptin', ptprice
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File Type: jpg political flow chart.jpg (64.4 KB, 27 views)
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  #104 (permalink)  
Old 31 Mar 2016, 03:19 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

That chart is PTPRICELESS!!
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  #105 (permalink)  
Old 03 Apr 2016, 10:50 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

This great joke may have been posted before but on the oft chance it hasn't, it should be, so here goes;

An Irish Daughter hasn't been home for over five years. Upon her return her father curses her heavily.

"Where ha' ye be all this time, child? Why did ye not write us? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through"?

The girl crying, replied, Dad...."I became a prostitute"!

"Ye what? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! Your a disgrace to this Catholic family"!

"OK Dad, as ye wish. I only came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, tittle to a ten bed room Mansion, plus a five million saving certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex, and for ye Dad, this sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside. Plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)...and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me new Yacht in the Riviera".

"What was it ye said ye had become"? says Dad.

Girl crying again, "A Prostitute, Daddy"!

"Oh my goodness! Ye scared me half to death, Girl! I thought you said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug"!

Happy PTin', ptprice
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  #106 (permalink)  
Old 04 Apr 2016, 04:46 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident.

89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, s**t!''

In Arkansas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''
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  #107 (permalink)  
Old 04 Apr 2016, 07:04 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

Quote:
Originally Posted by rockandroller View Post
The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident.

89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, s**t!''

In Arkansas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''
Okay, state jokes...
Why does California have more lawyers, but New Jersey has more toxic waste sites?

Because New Jersey got to pick first...
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  #108 (permalink)  
Old 09 Apr 2016, 09:01 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

pardon any duplicates. i been out this thread a while

___________________________________

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."




______________________________________________




Why do scotts wear a kilt?

Zippers scare the sheep away...





________________________________________





An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"





__________________________________






Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.
As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display
racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to
the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud
voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only
two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!

Last edited by rob342; 09 Apr 2016 at 09:08 pm.
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  #109 (permalink)  
Old 10 Apr 2016, 08:12 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

Have you heard that the type of rice you eat can affect your sex life? Yes indeed, no more minute rice for me. I'm eating LONG GRAIN from now on!
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  #110 (permalink)  
Old 16 Apr 2016, 06:54 pm
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Default Jenny Craig

I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a Voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. as promised.

I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most Stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is Wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck That reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next Four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised. So I decide to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our Most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," I replied, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it I find A huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running Shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... you're
mine."

I lost 63 pounds that week.
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