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The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

 
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  #1141 (permalink)  
Old 12 Oct 2017, 10:41 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

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Old 13 Oct 2017, 02:28 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

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Old 13 Oct 2017, 04:53 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

THIS MORNING I WAS BEATEN UP BY A BUSTY WOMAN IN AN ELEVATOR..


I WAS STARING AT HER BOOBS WHEN SHE SAID WOULD YOU PLEASE PRESS ONE?



SO I DID.


I DON'T REMEMBER MUCH AFTER THAT
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  #1144 (permalink)  
Old 13 Oct 2017, 05:02 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

A CARDIOLOGIST DIED AND WAS GIVEN AN ELABORATE FUNERAL. A HUGE HEART, COVERED IN FLOWERS, STOOD BEHIND THE CASKET DURING THE SERVICE.


FOLLOWING THE EULOGY,THE HEART OPENED AND THE CASKET ROLLED INSIDE. THE BEAUTIFUL HEART THEN CLOSED,SEALING THE DOCTOR INSIDE,FOREVER.


AT THAT POINT, ONE OF THE MOURNERS BURST INTO LAUGHTER. WHEN ALL EYES STARED AT HIM, HE SAID,"I'M SORRY. I WAS JUST THINKING OF MY OWN FUNERAL... I'M A GYNECOLOGIST,"

THE PROCTOLOGIST FAINTED.
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Old 13 Oct 2017, 05:05 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

WHEN I WAS A BOY MY MOMMA WOULD SEND ME DOWN TO A CORNER STORE WITH $1.00 AND i'D COME BACK WITH 5 POTATOES, 2 LOAVES OF BREAD, 3 BOTTLES OF MILK, A HUNK OF CHEESE, A BOX OF TEA, AND 6 EGG'S.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT ANYMORE NOW..

TOO MANY SECURITY CAMERAS
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Old 13 Oct 2017, 05:07 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

I'M NOT SAYING THAT I HATE YOU !!!



but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
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Old 13 Oct 2017, 05:10 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

I GOT A NEW STICK DEODORANT TODAY...

THE INSTRUCTIONS SAID :: REMOVE CAP AND PUSH UP BOTTOM..

I can barely walk,but when I fart the room smells lovely
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Old 13 Oct 2017, 06:08 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking.
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  #1149 (permalink)  
Old 13 Oct 2017, 06:24 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye bread.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.

He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
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  #1150 (permalink)  
Old 13 Oct 2017, 06:25 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pi$$ed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
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