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The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

 
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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 16 Dec 2015, 06:31 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: content may be offensive to some readers.

Beer Tap

This young punk looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over fifty-five who gives a damn?
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Last edited by CREWZIN; 17 Jan 2016 at 05:33 pm.
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Old 16 Dec 2015, 06:33 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

Little Johnny's Sister, Little Sally

Oh No! He has a sister?

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"

Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,
"Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mum fainted.
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Old 16 Dec 2015, 01:33 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

a women goes to her doctor and he notices she has a black eye. he asks her
about it and she breaks down crying and says her husband comes home drunk
and beats her all the time. the doctor says well I'll fix that for you. next time
he comes home drunk, drink this and gargle it till he goes to sleep.

one month later she goes back to the doctor happy and bruise free and asks
what was in that mouthwash? nothing, you just needed to shut the 'heck' up.
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Old 19 Dec 2015, 06:40 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
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Old 19 Dec 2015, 07:16 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

50 Years of Marriage

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.
'Sorry I'm running late.
I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father.
"Important thing is we're all together today."
Son No. 2 arrived.
"You and Mom look great, Dad.
I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father.
"We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived.

"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,

"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
"You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.
Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep", said the father, "Cheap ones too...
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Old 19 Dec 2015, 07:34 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

Patty had been dedicate golfer for years playing a public course in Dublin. One day he made a hole in one. when he got to the green and reached into the cup a diminutive Leprechaun at the bottom handed him his ball saying "ye made a hole in one, I give 'e a single wish".
As if Patty had been preparing for this moment all his life he answered immediately, "could you make my willy a wee bit longer"?
With the transfer of the ball from one hand to the other, Patty began to feel a strange rumbling in his jockeys. As he continued to the 12th hole the 'cause of this sensation was quite evident. It no longer looked like he had a pencil in his pocket, more like a length of Polish sausage. This pleased Patty to no great length. (pardon the pun) He continued his round and by the 14 hole this marvel was hanging from his cargo shorts. By the 17th hole it was dragging on the ground and by the 18th hole he was tripping on it.
This began getting worrisome, too much of as good thing.
Patty stumbled into the 19th hole and presented his quandary to the club pro.
"Aye" said the pro. "your only solution is another hole in one. "tis obvious the Leprechaun will appear once again"
Patty bought a huge bucket of balls and wailed away for the better part of an hour before he did the impossible once again. A 'nother "hole in one"
He tripped and stumbled to the green, reached into the cup., was again presented his ball by the same Leprechaun who said,"ye made a hole in one, I give 'e one wish"
And Patty made his wish. Are you ready for it????












Patty asked, "could ya' make me a wee bit taller"?

Happy Ptin', ptprice
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Old 19 Dec 2015, 02:30 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

They Hang Low

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and
the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various
methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the
quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.

The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was,
so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was
located two inches below her left breast. So she shot herself in the
left kneecap.
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Old 19 Dec 2015, 02:32 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

The Wit of the Scottish

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well . . . it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.
"
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says,
"The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
The Scotsman replies, “Aye, that is true, but is was we Scots who introduced it to the women”
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Old 20 Dec 2015, 08:36 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

a woman goes to a drugstore to see what she can find to stop her boyfriend's dandruff. she can't find anything, so she asks the pharmacist what to use.

the pharmacist says "just give him head and shoulders."

the next day, the woman comes back and says to the pharmacist "how do I give him shoulders?"

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Old 20 Dec 2015, 10:27 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by chuzz View Post
They Hang Low

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and
the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various
methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the
quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.

The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was,
so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was
located two inches below her left breast. So she shot herself in the
left kneecap.
What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young girl doesn't??


.
.
.
.
.
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Her Navel....
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