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The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

 
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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 07 Jan 2016, 02:01 am
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Smile Re: The Neverending Joke thread

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an a**hole!"



Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for a**hole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”
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Old 07 Jan 2016, 08:02 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

The US Army announced today the formation of a new 900-man elite fighting unit, called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

These Mountain boys will be dropped off in Iraq, with plenty of cold beer, ammo and weaponry.
They have been given only the following facts about ISIS:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken..
4. They hate beer, pickups, nude women, country music and Jesus.
AND
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the ISIS problem in IRAQ to be more or less over by next Friday.
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Old 07 Jan 2016, 09:21 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

Well, lets see if my Italian accent is good enough to post this joke.

After returning from his honey moon in Niagara Falls with his new bride, Virginia, my friend Luigi stopped by to see me.

"Hey Luigi", I said, "how was your honeymoon"?

"Everythina wasa perfecto excepta for da train ride up".

"Whatdaya mean, Luigi?" I said.

"Well, we boarda in Orlando. My beautiful Virginia, she packa a bigga basketa food. She bringa da vino, somea nicea cigars for me and ata suppa time we opena upa da basketa".

"The conductore come aby, waga is finger and say, "No eat in disa car. Musta usea the dining car".

"So me ana my beautiful Virginia, we go toda dining car, eat a biga suppa and starta at openda bottle of nice a vino".

"Conductore, he walksa by again, waga is finger anda say, "No drinkina in disa car. Musta go to a club car".

"We go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar"

"The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, "No a smokina in disa car. Musta go to a smokina car".

"We go to a smokina car anda I smokina my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virgina, and I, wea go to bed. Wea just about go badaboom badaboom and the conductore, he walka through the hallway shouting at a topa is a voice hea say.........".











"Nofolka Virginia"!

"Nofolka Virginia"!

"Nexta time, I'm a just gonna take da bus"!

Happy PTin', ptprice
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Old 08 Jan 2016, 12:31 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate!!" the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry about the misunderstanding," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how.
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Old 09 Jan 2016, 09:59 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

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Old 09 Jan 2016, 04:10 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.
Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.?
Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen..
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face.
I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
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Old 09 Jan 2016, 11:26 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

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Old 11 Jan 2016, 03:17 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

ROME (AP)

Pope Francis today announced the dispatch of the Holy See's F-16 fighter wing to an undisclosed location near Syria, in an attempt to preempt credible terrorist threats against The Vatican.

"If they attack, we'll hit 'em back, hard," said the Pontiff. Asked about the Gospel's exhortation to "turn the other cheek," Pope Francis responded, "The world has only so many cheeks."

The Squadron Spiritus Sancti, though often ridiculed for the orange, blue and red uniforms of its elite Swiss Guard pilots, has never been defeated in aerial combat. "We have a very good wingman," said the Pope, smiling.
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Old 11 Jan 2016, 07:07 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

(apologies to anyone whom this may upset in advance)

It's a sad story. I had this friend, you see.

He was addicted to brake fluid, you see.

But he told me not to worry, because he could stop anytime he wanted

It got worse though.

He got onto that power steering fluid.

And let me tell you guys, it really, drove him round' the bend

But you see, it all started back in high school.

He was never a popular guy, until he went on the... 'cool'ant

These days he's a fuel injector
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Last edited by 917K; 11 Jan 2016 at 07:10 am.
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Old 11 Jan 2016, 06:54 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

LARRY MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!!


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....
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