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The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

 
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  #41 (permalink)  
Old 18 Jan 2016, 09:09 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes,
and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.
My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.
Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.

The nurse and witnesses are blown away, as they did not realize his extensive holdings,

and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such
a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, “Property? .... the asshole had a paper route!"
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Last edited by CREWZIN; 18 Jan 2016 at 09:13 am.
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  #42 (permalink)  
Old 18 Jan 2016, 02:55 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor.
After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said,

“your husband has a very sensitive heart.
I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself."

On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?”

“Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”
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  #43 (permalink)  
Old 20 Jan 2016, 01:47 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

A little old lady in Bristol, England, in her 80's inherited a talking parrot when her distant cousin passed away. He had been a sailor, and had taught the bird all kinds of nasty words and comments. Still, she loved the bird, and tried to take it everywhere. One hot day she trundled down to the beach with her bag and a blanket and an umbrella and a stand for the parrot. The beach was very crowded. She set up the umbrella and put the parrot on the stand and said, "Ok, I'm going down to the water to see how warm it is." As she was walking away, the bird screamed out; "HOW'S YOUR ASSHOLE!?" Deeply embarrassed, the old woman turned to the bird and replied, "Shut up! Shut up!" To which the parrot shouted out; "MINE TOO! MUST BE THIS OCEAN AIR!"
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Old 20 Jan 2016, 12:11 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

Did I ever tell you about my cousin who crossbred a greyhound with a parrot?

He's not sure what the offspring is but he says...... "It's a fast talking son of a b*t*h".
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Old 20 Jan 2016, 09:46 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited, 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk, 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
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Old 20 Jan 2016, 10:16 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hill-billies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist?
What is a taxidermist?
Do you drive a taxi?"
"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
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Last edited by CREWZIN; 21 Jan 2016 at 06:34 pm. Reason: It's not political
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Old 22 Jan 2016, 11:25 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

Cross-Country Travel

Four women were driving across the country.
Each one was from a different state:
Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.

Shortly after the trip began,
the woman from Idaho started pulling
potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho,
I am just sick of looking at them!"
the Idaho woman replied.

That made sense to the gal from Nebraska,
so she began pulling ears of corn from her bag
and tossing them out the window.

"What are you doing that for?"
asked the gal from Florida.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska,
I am just sick of looking at them!"
the woman from Nebraska answered.

Inspired by watching the entire scene,
the gal from Florida opened the car door
and pushed the New Yorker out.

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Old 23 Jan 2016, 02:12 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

A little girl walks into the sitting room one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father, feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions, thinks for a moment and says, "Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him with watery eyes in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
"And Tigger?"
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Old 26 Jan 2016, 08:35 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

Five surgeons
> from big cities are discussing who makes the
> Best
> Patients to
> operate on.
>
> The first
> surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see
> accountants
> On my
> operating table because when you open them up,
> everything
> Inside is
> numbered.'
>
> The second,
> from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should
> try
> Electricians!
> Everything inside them is color
> coded.'
>
> The third
> surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think
> librarians
> Are the best,
> everything inside them is in alphabetical
> order.'
>
> The fourth
> surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I
> like
> Construction
> workers...Those guys always understand when you
> have
> A few parts
> left over.'
>
> But the fifth
> surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up
> when
> He observed:
> 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to
> operate on.
> There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no
> spine.
> Plus, the head
> and the ass are interchangeable.
>
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Old 27 Jan 2016, 03:01 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

A man is trying to cross the street.

As he steps off the curb, a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.

By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.

The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver, who is a furry little squirrel, rolls down the window and says to the man, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
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