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The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

 
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Old 15 Dec 2015, 07:25 am
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Default The Neverending Joke thread. Caution: Content may be offensive to some readers

post em if ya got em!

Last edited by CREWZIN; 18 Jan 2016 at 08:11 am.
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Old 15 Dec 2015, 07:29 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
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Old 15 Dec 2015, 09:57 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

Cop says to motorist he pulled over:
"Your eyes look red - have you been drinking?"
Motorist replies -
"Your eyes look glazed - have you been eating donuts?"
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Old 15 Dec 2015, 01:32 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

I over heard two "dumb" blonds at a coffee house talking about the high cost of auto body repair. Seems the smarter of the two needed some work done and the estimate, in her opinion was too high. She complained to the shop owner who told he in disgust;

"Well if you really want to save some money, just turn your engine off and blow in the exhaust pipe. All the dents'll come out."

"I tried that" she said to her friend, "I just burned my lips and it didn't work!"

"Boy your dumb", said her friend. "First,you gotta let the pipe cool and second, obviously it'll only work if you roll your windows up!"

Yup. They were drinkin' coffee latte's in the next booth.

Cute but dumb!

Happy PTin', ptprice
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Old 15 Dec 2015, 02:58 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

Chinese Sex

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring."My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.You juss axe. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69."More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, "You want garlic chicken wif snow peas?"
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Old 15 Dec 2015, 03:01 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

Golf Ball and Sand Wedge

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.Then the woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'The man says, 'Yes, it is' Boy -'I have a golf ball.'Man - 'That's nice.' Boy - 'Want to buy it?'Man - 'No, thanks.' Boy - 'My dad's outside.'Man - 'OK, how much?' Boy - '$250' A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - 'Dark in here.'Man - 'Yes, it is.' Boy - 'I have a sand wedge. 'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'Boy - '$750'Man - 'Sold.' A few days later, the boy’s father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.' The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?' Boy - '$1,000.' The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.' They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now.'
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Old 15 Dec 2015, 05:02 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

Owner of a window place calls a blonde that had gotten new windows about a year ago.
"Lady, he begins, you've ignored all the invoices and letters and haven't paid a dime toward your windows. It's almost a year and I'll have to start legal action."
The blonde replies -
"Almost a year? That's perfect, because your ad said 'Pays for itself in the first year'"
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"Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life,
nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge."
Isaac Asimov"

'05 Limited Turbo Lite, (Silver, of course)4-wheel ABS, Sunroof, Spoiler. Mods: E&G Classic grill, K&N FIPK, BTG duals, rear lowered 1.5", LED washer lights, $20 catch can, Aoogah horn, Weatherflectors, Sunroof Deflector, Fuzzy Dice, rear logo flames, rear pinstripe graphic, Gen3 Taillights, rear sway bar, hood struts, Strut bar.
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Old 15 Dec 2015, 06:00 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
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Old 15 Dec 2015, 06:16 pm
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

Dangerfield one liners.....

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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Old 16 Dec 2015, 01:31 am
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Default Re: The Neverending Joke thread

~Noah and the Band~

And so in the dark of night the Lord awoke Noah, and spoke to him. "Noah, awake and heed my words!"

And Noah, being sore afraid and disoriented, did cry out, "Who goeth there?"

And the Lord did smite him upside the head, saying, "It is the Lord of all things, dummy!"

And Noah did tremble, saying, "Lord, why hast Thou wakened me?" And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a Jobbing Band" "For the earth will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and forty nights of Awards Banquets." And Noah did say, "But Lord, will I not be thy Leader?'

And the Lord did smite him again, saying, "Fool, thou wilt be my Contractor. Ask not why!" And Noah did bow his head, saying, "Yes, my Lord. And what will this Leader play?" And the Lord said, "It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or whether he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to talk to the Brides and their Mothers, and to deal with Clients, and to count off Tempos wrong, and to inquire as to whether Overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued. If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another player of that instrument in the band, just to be safe."

And Noah did say, "And what else shall this Leader do?" And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread Bad Information and Confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit them one against the other, and to delay all Payments." "Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a Soundman, to create Feedback, and to invent new Equalization Curves therefore." And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, Thy ways are Strange and Mysterious. What more shall I do?"

And the Lord said, "Next, find Me a Rhythm Section. "First, find me a Drummer. and three things above all must this Drummer possess." And Noah did ask, "What are these Three Things? Double Bass Drums? An Electronic Kit? Congas?" And the Lord did smite Noah again, saying, "Second-guess Me not, my servant. First, this Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a Fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place, sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou may not guess which. "And second, he must be Supremely Discontent, always hoping for the Big Break which will lead to him playing with Chick Corea or Madonna, so that he despiseth Jobbing. "And third, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness in all things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so that he argueth always with the Bass Player."

And Noah did say, "As you command, Lord. And what next?" And the Lord did say, "Thou art learning, Noah. Next shall be the Bass Player. And he shall be Bored. That is all."

And Noah did say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?" "Next shall be the Keyboard Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall ply Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may name the Chord, and he will not be helpful. "Furthermore, he shall always be Late. And he shall always be trying out New Gear, of which he has no knowledge."

And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, great is Thy Wisdom!" "Next shall be the Guitar Player. And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player. And he shall be Loud, and he shall sing "Old Time Rock n' Roll". Also shall he not know The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which have been damaged by exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels. For the Guitarists who Read shall already be playing Shows, and will be making the Big Shekels. "And his tux shall be the Rattiest." And Noah did say, "It shall be done."

And the Lord did say, "Next thou shall need Horns. "First shall be the Saxophones. And ye shall know them as Beboppers. And they shall play their Bird Quotes in every song, yea, even the Celine Dion ballad. And they shall Get High on every break, and make the Long Faces all night long, but especially when "In The Mood" is called.

"Next shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt to take everything Up an Octave, and fail frequently. And of Changes they shall know nothing.

"And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be made about him, for he will have a Beeper, as well as a Day Job, and he will be the first to be Cut from the Band."

And Noah, taking many notes, did say, "Mighty is the Lord!" "Next shall be the String Players. Find me Three Women, and attach pickups to their Violins that are more ancient even than Myself, so that their instruments screecheth and causeth great pain. 'And their job shall be to dress in Evening Gowns, and to Fake Parts on all Ballads, and to occasionally Stroll, and to complain about the Volume, and the Intonation, and to impede the Swing."

And Noah did say, "What else can be left, Lord?" "And the Lord did say, "Finally, find me the Singers. "And they shall be Three, one a Male, and two Females. "And the Male shall be a Strutting Peacock, with the Rock 'n Roll Hair, and he shall never have to wear The Tuxedo, and also shall he play The Harmonica. "And of the Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White. And the Black one shall ALWAYS sing the Aretha songs, And the Disco. And the White one shall ALWAYS sing the Power Ballads, and the Country Songs. But both shall share the Motown Medley, and shall sing Backup for the Male, And forget the Words, and be Late, and know nothing of Keys or Form. And they shall leave every gig immediately, having never touched a piece of Equipment. "And they shall be paid many more shekels than the Sidemen. Ask not why." And Noah did say, " As Thou sayest, my Lord."

And the Lord did command him, "Search high and low for these, as not every musician can fulfill these requirements. And though we have No Work yet, a Commitment must be secured from All. And while you're at it, start looking for Subs." And Noah did say, "Lord, Thy will be done." And it was...
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