Florida and Hurricanes (humor)

[quicksilverdon]

For Crewzin, BigDogDad, KingKole, ...

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.
1) There is no need to panic.
2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of his, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your
home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
-23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out

[westgate]

Now that is great advice.

[bigdogdad]

Good one QSD!

[Hooligan]

QSD, by the looks of it, NJ will need some of this advice.

[CREWZIN]

QSD,

Why is that titled "Humor" ? Basically, it's all true!

[JPMS GT]

Thanks, Don. And for those of us in California, just change hurricanes to earthqukes!!!

[bigdogdad]

quote:Originally posted by JPMS GT

Thanks, Don. And for those of us in California, just change hurricanes to earthqukes!!!

And for the folks in the mid west, change it to tornando's!!

[cook]

Has anyone ever actually seen a pool "POP" out of the ground.Always heard that when I lived down there-a Fl. version of a snipe hunt?[:I]

Here is a serious tip-I have a deep freezer full of gallon jugs of frozen water.I do a lot of fishing and it keeps the catch fresh and gives me ice water to drink.When our tornadoes hit it came in quite handy-kept the food frozen-plenty of icewater to drink while chainsawing-water to wash and clean with.
Hats off to the Red Cross-they were on the scene in 10 hours.

One thing that bugged me was all the reporters,helicopters,sightseers.I know they have a job to do but it was irritating.

the big grin helped by drinking all the beer before it spoiled!!

[Gary04GT]

[bigdogdad]

Since this is the Florida "humor" thread I guess I'll add my "humorous" vacation plans. It all started way back on Aug. 13th, but wait, Hurricane Charley came through. No Key West for me. So I called up and made new plans. Now its Sept. 4th and I'm on my way to Key West, not!. Now Hurricane Frances comes parading through. Ok, so now I call and once more make new plans. Well, I just called up and cancelled my trip to Key West once again due to Hurricane Ivan's timely arrival possibly this weekend. Isn't this just freakin' funny![:0] Yeah, I thought so. Quess what, I just got off the phone with Key West and I am due there the first week in December. After all, Hurricane season will be over. But, with the way things are going this year with all the record breaking storms, this will probably be the first year in history that a hurricane hits Key West in December. Yeah, I know, funny[xx(][8D]