Things that Hallmark card don't say

[Jimbo]

> > THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
> >
> > My tire was thumping.
> >
> > I thought it was flat
> >
> > When I looked at the tire...
> >
> > I noticed your cat.
> >
> > Sorry!
> >
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >
> > Heard your wife left you,
> >
> > How upset you must be.
> >
> > But don't fret about it...
> >
> > She moved in with me.
> >
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >
> > Looking back over the years
> >
> > that we've been together,
> >
> > I can't help but wonder...
> >
> > "What the hell was I thinking?"
> >
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >
> > Congratulations on your wedding day!
> >
> > Too bad no one likes your husband.
> >
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >
> > How could two people as beautiful as you
> >
> > Have such an ugly baby?
> >
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >
> > I've always wanted to have
> >
> > someone to hold,
> >
> > Someone to love.
> >
> > After having met you.
> >
> > I've changed my mind.
> >
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >
> > I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
> >
> > I never believed in Hell until I met you.
> >
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >
> > As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
> >
> > That you're not here to ruin it for me.
> >
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >
> > Congratulations on your promotion.
> >
> > Before you go...
> >
> > Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
> >
> > You'll probably need it again.
> >

> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >
> > Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
> >
> > Almost Lifelike!
> >
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >
> > When we were together,
> >
> > You always said you'd die for me.
> >
> > Now that we've broken up,
> >
> > I think it's time you kept your promise.
> >
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >
> > We have been friends for a very long time..
> >
> > Let's say we stop?
> >
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >
> > I'm so miserable without you
> >
> > It's almost like you're here.
> >
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >
> > Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
> >
> > Did you ever find out who the father was?
> >
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >
> > Your friends and I wanted to do
> >
> > Something special for your birthday.
> >
> > So we're having you put to sleep.
> >
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >
> > So your daughter's a hooker,
> >
> > and it spoiled your day.
> >
> > Look at the bright side,
> >
> > it's really good pay.
> >

[CREWZIN]

...and don't forget...

CONGRATULATIONS on making bail.

[quicksilverdon]

I could use some of those cards - with appropriate illustrations.