The work of Steven Wright

[Jimbo]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently from us - to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some more of his gems:



1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the point where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!

[CREWZIN]

I take it the guy lays awake at night dreaming these things up?

[gonzomania]

He's delivery is pretty good also[?]

[pt_tom]

I see he has been doing his research.

"29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
to steal from many is research."
[:I]

[Jimbo]

I like 29. I think the guy works for my dealer

[GW]

Jimbo,
Really enjoyed these, especially #2! But isn't Steven Wright the stand up commedian that's on TV occasionally??

GW